Is God Really Good?

As I start this blog, I’m so excited to be back writing. I know the overall direction of the topic I want to write, but I honestly have no plan. I feel quite rusty, actually. I haven’t written in so long (and I’ll write more about that in another post) that I am feeling a lot of nervousness and anxiety over how this post will take shape and how my thoughts will come together… but it has and always will be my aim to spread the gospel and encourage others to glorify Christ through my posts. I don’t have any tips or advice to give. No cute pictures or thumbnails. Nothing to boost my page or audience… just a desire to write. So while I may not have a plan or feel totally confident about my post today, I am sitting down in my living room (while watching the TN game- GO VOLS!) and asking that God would shape my thoughts and that he would be glorified through my words. I pray that whatever I write will be received with open hearts and that the Holy Spirit would do his work in your heart as you read.

Honestly, I’m having to approach a lot of things in life that way, right now.. praying that God would take the jumbled mess of my brain and life and shape it into something good, because I know if things are left up to me, it won’t be. This has been a really tough year.. actually, it’s been a tough past 5 years, if I’m honest. As some of you know from earlier posts, last year I learned and experienced a lot with my mental health- grieving over the death of my father-in-law (and realizing I was still grieving over my miscarriage), moving several times, going through speech issues with my son, several anxiety attacks, got diagnosed with depression, sought out counseling, and started taking medication. This year, I continued to work on myself- changing my eating habits and lifestyle, practicing healthy habits for managing my anxiety, and working to get off of medication- which I was able to do! I was feeling more confident in handling my extreme emotions and felt like things were on the upswing. Then, unexpectedly, we lost my husband’s cousin. Weeks later, we lost my husband’s aunt after years of battling cancer. (Side note: its super weird to type “my husband’s” before cousin and aunt, because one amazing thing about the Newsome family is that once you’re in, you’re in. I’ve never once referred to them as Joel’s family. Since we’ve been married, they’re all just mine, too.) And again, in all raw honesty, I went through a really difficult time in November being angry with God. So angry, in fact, that there were times that I had to leave chapel at our Mother’s Day Out program because I couldn’t sing praises to Him. I felt like he wasn’t good. He didn’t listen to me. He didn’t hold up to His promises. And He didn’t really care.

But, just like with so many other times in my life, I can look back at that super dark time and see, now, all of the ways God was with me. In the beginning of November, we started going to a new church. I didn’t know it at the time, but God has been using our new church, sweet worship, and amazing pastor to quietly speak truth in my heart that I would need to get through those difficult moments. I didn’t know it at the time, but the Ladies’ Retreat that I attended at the beginning of November would be a balm to my wounded soul at the peak of my anger. The speaker would change her topic, at the discretion of the Holy Spirit, to speak specifically about being angry with God. God would place people, music, and conversations in my path during the month of November that constantly pointed me to His goodness even when I didn’t want to see it.

One of the songs that we repeatedly sang in church was Goodness of God by Bethel. One of the lines says “All my life you have been faithful. All my life you have been so so good. With every breath that I am able- I will sing of the goodness of God.” I can remember (because it still happens every time I’m in the car) this song coming on and tears instantly flooding my eyes. Even in those moments when I can’t see God working and I feel like He has abandoned me, He is there. When I’m running from Him- kicking and screaming- He is patiently and lovingly there. When I am full of doubt and anger, His love is steadfast and never failing. And in those moments, when I stop to think about my entire life, I can recall time and time again of His goodness and faithfulness. The truth is, His goodness isn’t based on my idea of good. I have such an earthly perspective that when I am the most angry with Him, it’s because I have lost my kingdom perspective. God’s goodness doesn’t revolve around making Kalah happy. His goodness doesn’t mean that exists to provide man with joy. His goodness isn’t a way he acts- it’s who He is. He is perfect. He is righteous. He is not evil and detests evil. And despite the evil and sickness in the world, His goodness never changes. Just like Job, when we experience grief, loss, pain, and trials, we doubt God’s goodness. It’s our human nature. But God reminds Job of something that I need to be reminded of daily- we don’t see as God sees.

What we can do is make the decision to trust His goodness. Seek it out daily- in every area of our lives. Write it on our hearts and meditate on it daily. And with every bit of breath in our lungs until the day we go Home, we can sing of His goodness. I think of Job- despite all he lost, he chose to sing of God’s goodness. Did he doubt? Yeah, he’s human. But he made the choice to trust and follow God- even when the path didn’t look good. I think of Aunt Debbie- who served God faithfully in the mission field for years. She experienced a great deal of loss and pain. She sacrificed much- to end her days in immense pain. Despite the fact that she was hurting and dying, she chose to sing of His goodness by trusting Him each day, singing praises to the Lord, and sharing His love for others- with every bit of breath she had. Santa Yalla! Praise the Lord!

[ As I reread this post, and my notes… I realize that not a single bit of what I wrote today was what I planned on talking about. haha. Maybe next time 🙂 ]