I’m Not Supposed to Do This…

But hey, who am I to do what everyone else does 🙂

As most of you know, because it’s all I’ve been talking about for a while, Joel and I have been trying to start a family since last August. In November, we were ecstatic to get a positive pregnancy test. I will never forget that day. Unknown to me at the time, God was planning to use that day to change me more than I could have imagined. We lost our little one on December 30th- another day I’ll never forget. In January, I had a D&C and then we got back to trying immediately. Month after month, we would get negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. It was completely draining for us (well maybe more for me, but I’m sure that drained him, too).

Let me take this time to say, if you’re experiencing infertility or miscarriage, I am praying for you. This is a journey no one could fathom unless they were going through it. It is a difficult process, to say the least.

Through all of the tears, disappointments, and times of complete brokenness, God worked on our hearts. I have never before experienced such desperation and heartache as I did following the loss of our little tot, but He used it to make me completely rely on Him. I also learned that my identity and fulfillment don’t come from being a mom. It doesn’t come from being a wife. It doesn’t come from anything other than Christ. I learned that just like Job, its OK to not be OK. Just like Hannah, its OK to desire a child. Just like David, its OK to pour out your heart to God. Through it all, no matter how upset I felt, I always had a peace in knowing that His ways were higher than mine and that He loved me unconditionally.

Fast forward to September of this year. We finally decided to order an ovulation kit. The kit came with 50 ovulation tests and 20 pregnancy tests. I couldn’t wait to try them out! (If you don’t know much about these, look them up. There’s a lot to explain.) To my disappointment, after taking the ovulation tests for three days, I discovered that I either didn’t ovulate, or I was already past ovulation. I decided this just wouldn’t be our month.

About 6 days later, I decided to take a pregnancy test, just for fun. It was 6:00am. I took my test, went and got ready for a few minutes, came back, and saw two pink lines. I repeat, I saw TWO. PINK. LINES. I checked to make sure I took the right test. Pregnancy, right? Not ovulation? It was indeed a pregnancy test. I took it straight to our bedroom, sobbing. Poor Joel, who was still waking up, was quite confused. I just remember him saying WHAT? WHAT’S WRONG? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!? YOU’RE PREGNANT!? Then, he held me and let me continue sobbing.

I tested 5 more times over the next 3 days, each test more positive than the next. Yesterday, I went in for my first visit and heard the most perfect phrase ever.

See that little flicker? It’s your baby’s heartbeat… and everything looks normal. We’ll see you in two weeks.

Normal. The best word ever. Normal. My pregnancy, so far, looks to be normal.

Every moment since my pregnancy test. Every moment since the doctor’s office, I have been thanking God. Thanking Him for answering my prayers. Thanking Him for letting me experience the miracle of life, again. Thanking Him for loving me and being with me the past year. Thanking Him for Joel. Thanking Him for a Jesus-loving O.B. Thanking Him for everything.

We serve a God who answers prayers, who is near to the broken hearted, and who is a good, good Father. How amazing it is to see how He cares for us in every single way and every single situation.

While I’m still very early in my pregnancy (6 weeks to be exact) I wanted to share for many reasons. So many of you have prayed for us, supported us, and loved us over the past year. One of my close friends shared this verse with me when I was debating whether or not to share our news so early

Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. Romans 12:15

So many of you have wept with us, and I wanted to share a time of rejoicing. I also wanted to share so that you could be in prayer for us.

1. Pray that I won’t let fear and worry creep into my heart. Being at the same time as we were when we lost our first baby, its easy for me to be fearful of it happening again. I’m reminding myself daily that God has plans for me, and that he is bigger than my fears.
2. Pray for our sweet baby as it grows and develops 🙂 We’re currently working on a heart.
3. Pray for Joel and I to put God first, and not let our circumstances or situation distract us from making Him our focus.
4. Pray that God will use this pregnancy, no matter what the outcome, for His glory.