Even if You Don’t..

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

This is another post about God teaching me through my trials.. so if you don’t like reading these, please keep reading. 🙂 This is my stage of life right now, so I apologize if I seem like a broken record.

It has been over a year since we’ve been trying to start grow our family. It has been 9 months since we lost our first child. It has been 8 months since my surgery. It has been 2 days since my last break down. And it has been approximately 5 minutes since I’ve thought about it all. Actually, I suppose I’m thinking about it now.. so forget that last one.

No one tells you once you have a miscarriage that it will be an emotional roller coaster that never stops. Out of everyone that tried to comfort me, only one sweet friend had the courage to be honest with me- the pain will never go away. At the time, I thought OUCH! HARSH! But she was correct. Sure, I don’t cry every day now. I don’t think about it quite as often. And I’m no longer experiencing the shock, but the hurt is still there. I still question God. I still get angry, jealous, and hurt. Then, I beat myself up for having those feelings. After all, Christians shouldn’t be upset with God. We should always be perfectly fine with His choices; however, if we’re honest with ourselves, we’re not.

Although Christ has redeemed me, I still battle the flesh. I still experience all of those feelings even though I know His ways are higher than mine. He has plans for me- plans to prosper and not to harm me. He knows what’s best for me, and I completely believe that… but its so easy when you’re caught up in trials to forget those truths.

Two weeks ago, I saw the bottom of my Pre-natal vitamin bottle and had a meltdown. That meant I had been taking them for over a year. So many articles say that a healthy couple should be able to conceive within a year… that could only mean one thing- there’s a problem. I will never have a child. As silly as it sounds for me to write that now, it was my immediate thought. Although I always tell others that God has a plan, I so quickly doubt him. (This totally made me regret making fun of the Israelites every time they doubted God in the wilderness)

A week later, three of my friends who had miscarriages around the same time as me announced their pregnancies. SERIOUSLY GOD!? I have prayed and been faithful. I even blogged about my pain to try to be an encouragement to others… and this is how I get rewarded… seriously. Yet again, I read those thoughts and feel disgusted with my heart. Who am I to think God owes me a thing? How did I go from being so bold in my faith one second to being a jealous, hateful, bitter woman. Then God reminds me of all the things He has done in my life. He is ALWAYS faithful.

In the midst of all of this stress, God led me to Job. The first chapter alone punched me right in the gut. Despite all of Job’s pain and heartache, never once did he blame God. More surprising to me than Job’s reaction was what Satan said in verse 10.

¹⁰ “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.

Satan says it clearly. Its easy for us to have complete trust in God and follow His will… when things are going our way. But what about when they’re not. What about when you lose your first child? What about when you expect to become pregnant immediately, but realize that you are struggling to conceive? What about when your life feels like its going completely out of whack? Then what? Will you continue to put your faith in Christ, acknowledging that His plans are better than your own?

I know I will. Sometimes I have to pray for His help, but I will. I’ll sing It Is Well until my throat gets sore. I’ll read Job 100 times. I’ll write a million blogs with the keys covered in tears just to remind myself of these truths- God has a plan for my life. He loves me more than I could ever fathom. He is sad when I am sad. He will never leave me. He is a good, good Father.

Even though it may be difficult for me to remember these truths when the storms of life have me distracted, He always calls my attention back to Him. What a good Father we have.