Its ok to not be ok…

Back when we had our miscarriage, I remember a friend telling me that phrase. It had been weeks later, and I was really struggling. I felt as though I should have been over it by that point… as if there is such a thing. But I remember this sweet friend simply telling me, “Kalah… it’s ok to not be ok.” It was as if this feeling gave me the permission I needed to continue grieving. I can’t tell you how freeing it was. I remember repeating it to myself often.

2019, 2020, and 2021 were incredibly difficult for our family. In 2019 we lost our precious niece. I remember really struggling with the grief and sorrow of no longer experiencing her presence on Earth, but also feeling like I didn’t deserve to be struggling. I’m not sure why. To this day, I don’t understand why I had convinced myself I wasn’t entitled to miss her as much as everyone else.

In 2020 I had Esther. I had prepared myself ahead of time- so I thought- with because I experienced a lot of (what I called) the baby blues after Simon. I remembered crying from the time I would put Simon down for the night until morning. Counting down the hours until the sun came up. Feeling alone in his room as I rocked a baby that couldn’t stand to be put down. I remembered thinking “this is all my life is now- feed a baby, rock a baby, change a baby, and do it over again.” I was convinced that since I knew what to expect this time, I wouldn’t struggle as much with Esher. I was wrong. The emotions came in waves much bigger. And on top of the waves was the guilt that I was losing time with Simon. I started resenting Esther. Then I resented myself for not being over the moon in love with her at all times. Then I REALLY resented myself for not being like all of the other moms I saw- on social media- that had the perfect relationship with their newborns and toddlers. Bodies back to normal. All smiles. Put together. Clean house. Healthy food. Playing and enjoying motherhood.

Throughout 2020, I continued to struggle. If you know me in real life, you probably didn’t notice. I’m a pretty good liar. I spent a majority of the year struggling with my self worth- feeling like a failure as a mom, wife, housekeeper, Christian… you name it. I constantly felt like I was kicking nonstop to barely stay above water. And soon my legs would give out.

In January 2021, we lost my father-in-law. Again, I was faced with a lot of grief. Again, I was really struggling with not feeling like I was allowed to grieve. Feeling like, since he wasn’t my biological dad, I didn’t deserve to be sad. Now that I’m in a better state of mind, I can see that these thoughts are completely and totally ridiculous, but it’s how my mind was working. Looking back, I believe that the “baby blues” was developing into full postpartum depression at this time.

A few months later, Simon was beginning the process of being put into speech therapy. He began having a lot of behavioral issues and I was crying at the end of each day. I felt responsible for his speech. I felt like, as a teacher that specialized in literacy, I should have known. I should have helped him. Fixed it for him. I felt like his behavior was a reflection on me. I felt like I was trying to keep my life together but everything was falling apart.

By the end of 2021, I was having full blown anxiety attacks. I was obsessed with death- I constantly feared everyone around me would die. I was having ridiculous mood swings to the point that I felt like I could punch out a window whenever I tripped over a toy. I was constantly tired. Not just mom tired, but falling asleep in the floor throughout the day. Dozing off while driving. Falling asleep during conversations with the kids. I was filled with so much anxiety that being away from my husband and kids was almost unbearable. It was at this time that I began seeing a dear friend and christian counselor. I can honestly say her biblical guidance changed my life. I also had a checkup with my doctor about the sleepiness. She did bloodwork and everything was fine. She suggested taking antidepressants, but I felt guilty accepting it. I remember calling my sister-in-law several times, crying to her over the phone and saying “I just don’t know who I am!” I felt like, as a Christian, I shouldn’t be struggling like this. Maybe it was my fault. Lots of people had harder lives, so I didn’t deserve to be struggling this much. She told me “Kalah, it’s ok to not be ok. Sometimes we need help. That’s ok.”

After lots of sessions with my counselor, I began being able to talk myself out of irrational thoughts, but I was still having the mood swings and extreme fatigue. One day, I remember Simon didn’t put the soap in the spot that I wanted. I jumped up and hovered over him, yelling “THAT’S NOT WHERE THE SOAP GOES!” He looked at me, with tears in his eyes, and asked me why I always talked mean. I immediately walked out of the room, called the doctor, and asked for the medicine.

I’ve been on medicine now for five months. I’m not ashamed of that anymore. I’ve been seeing a counselor, and I’m not embarrassed about that anymore, either. I used to roll my eyes when someone said they had anxiety and depression because I thought it was for attention. Not anymore. I held off writing blogs for a few years because things I enjoyed were hard for me to do. Not anymore. I felt guilty taking care of myself. Not anymore.

Some practical things that helped me through this time were prayer. No matter how far I felt from God, He promised to never leave me. He promised that He was near to the broken hearted. And, knowing that the heart is deceitful, I had to trust Him… even when I didn’t FEEL like it. Pray without ceasing. Despite feeling alone and unheard- pray. Another thing was reciting verses and truths to myself. During the past few years, I dreaded reading the Bible. The thought of spending time studying His word was extremely stressful. Keeping any relationships- including my relationship with God- was incredibly difficult and taxing. But PLEASE keep in mind, no matter how far or fast you run- He is still there. No matter how many times you plug your ears to ignore Him, He is there. Find some verses that may be helpful to memorize and write down to recite- here are some that I have written out. Another thing that was super helpful for me was finding a hobby that didn’t require much thinking or work. The things I used to love and enjoy, like blogging and spending time with friends, were somehow unmanageable for me. It seemed like the things I loved required every bit of energy I had. I grew to really enjoy houseplants. Since I wasn’t able to control my life or seem to keep anything afloat, it felt good to be able to keep a plant alive. Find something small to bring you joy.

Friends. Mamas. Bothers and Sisters in Christ. ITS OK TO NOT BE OK. No matter what your situation, ITS OK. Give yourself grace. Give yourself permission to get help. Find BIBLICAL counsel. Talk to a friend. Talk to God. But know, its ok to struggle and not be ok.