Surviving Motherhood

There’s no “job” in the world that I’ve ever loved more than being a mom. As cliche as it sounds, being a mother is truly a life changing experience. It’s an incredible blessing, but also a huge responsibility. On top of that, being a mom is just plain hard sometimes. I mean, I knew that going in, but you never fully understand until you’re up at 3 am crying your eyes out as this beautiful baby you’ve just birthed won’t stop screaming at the top of their lungs.

Being a mom of two is super hard- and don’t listen to the liars that say its easy! Its pretty much the equivalent to drowning. Except while your drowning, a tiny person is slapping you in the face and pulling your hair. I think that’s a pretty good comparison.

I’m not afraid to admit that I struggle through the newborn stage. I get very emotional and anxious. I feel lonely. I constantly worry about my baby. Now that I’m a mom of two, I constantly feel guilty about giving up time with Simon. I miss quality time with my husband. I feel overwhelmed with the other daily tasks- housework, paying bills, spending time with the dog, etc. The newborn phase is just a lot. (And a newborn in the middle of a pandemic? YEESH!)

There are a few things that have really encouraged me and helped me get through the stressful and not so happy times of motherhood. I wanted to share them in hopes that somewhere, a young mom who is at the end of her ropes might read this and find some encouragement in knowing that she’s not alone. Also, maybe you know a new mom and you can use these things to minister to her. Either way, I’m praying God uses my experiences to bless someone in need!

Focus on what is good

Philippians 4:8 tells us

Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable—if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—dwell on these things.

In the first 12ish weeks of a baby’s life, you will spend countless hours sitting up in the middle of the night, alone, while you nurse or feed your sweet baby. With Simon, I usually spent this time watching TV, scrolling through Facebook, or fighting my heavy eyelids. I was definitely tired and stressed, but I didn’t realize how much it affected my overall mood and attitude until I became a mother of two. I began to feel myself resenting my baby for her crying in the middle of the night. I was short with my toddler during the day. I cried often and became overwhelmed at the smallest things. My sweet husband gently reminded me of Philippians 4:8 and I realized that I wasn’t filling my heart with those things. If we don’t intake things that are good, true, honorable, just, pure, and lovely, how can we expect those things to flow out of us? One simple thing that I began doing this time around was taking advantage of those late night nursing sessions. Instead of sinking into a social media hole each time, I began doing small quiet times, devotionals, or listening to worship music. I will admit- some of my time is still spent watching my beloved cleaning youtube videos, but I am intentionally spending quiet time with the Lord as well.

Some apps that helped me to stay on track during this time were:

• The First 5 App: This app is designed to give you a short, five minute devotional. The idea is that your first five minutes of the day begin in the word. I like this app because it truly takes 5 minutes, you can set reminders, and its a quick and easy way to make sure you start your day focusing on Christ. It also comes with cute wall papers that you can download onto your phone and see scripture each time you look at your home screen.
• She Reads Truth: You can purchase the Bible studies as a hard copy or use the app. What’s nice about this “program” is that it is strictly scripture- you’re not reading anyone’s commentary or thoughts. I also really like the graphics and designs. Sometimes its motivating to read or journal scripture when you get to see pretty pictures… at least it is for me. The only downside to this app is that you have to purchase most of the plans.
• The YouVersion App: If you’re anything like me, you thought the YouVersion app was just the Bible- and no, I didn’t mean it as if the Bible isn’t enough… I just didn’t realize there were more features. This app also has digital devotionals. The most awesome thing about this feature is that you can invite others to join you, but I’ll speak more on this in a minute.
• The Dwell App: Sometimes, I’m just too exhausted to read. That’s where this app comes in really handy. The Dwell app is scripture that is read aloud. What’s really cool about this app is that there are different “plans” you can listen to. For example, if you’re really struggling with worry, you can choose that plan/playlist. Then, it will read you various verses and passages dealing with worry. This app is strictly scripture, also- no commentary is included. The downside to this app, again, is that you do have to purchase it.

Take Care of Yourself

I really struggled with feeling like I had lost myself. I felt like a zombie that only fed babies, changed diapers, and rocked/bounced kids until they stopped crying. I rarely got out of my pajamas the first few weeks, let alone took a shower! My hair was in a permanent knot from where I put it in a bun and slept in it day after day. Thanks to coronavirus, I couldn’t leave to go anywhere or have friends over to visit. I felt very isolated. I was explaining to my husband that it almost felt like I was a shell of myself- my body was there, but I was emotionally and mentally disconnected from myself.

Recently, a friend asked me how I felt about not going back to school in a few weeks. “Honestly, I am emotional about it” I told her. Not one minute have I regretted my decision to stay home, but for so long, teaching was a huge part of my identity. Yes, my identity is found in Christ, but many moms will understand when I say- when you have a baby, its almost like you don’t know who you are anymore. A majority of your time is spent feeding, rocking, and changing this tiny human. As a stay at home mom, you no longer have that chunk of time where you leave to be something else- a teacher, nurse, bank teller, or whatever that may be. It can be difficult to take a look at your days and wonder what you got to do for yourself.

A few months ago, when I was debating whether or not to stay at home, a friend prepared me for this. “You’ll feel like you’ve lost yourself at times. But you have to remember, being a mother is a ministry.” I think about that often. While this phase of life can be hard, I try to remind myself that I am ministering to my children and husband every day. God has entrusted these children to me to raise them up in the way they should go. (Proverbs 22:6) And I frequently think back to the Proverbs 31 woman- I bet she was exhausted! Not only did she provide for her household by making clothes, buying groceries, gardening, cleaning, waking up before the sun, selling things she made, and a ton of other things, but it said she was strong, wise, loving, and trusted and feared the Lord. I often get overwhelmed thinking about how to be more like the Proverbs 31 woman- she did it ALL! But then I think back to Creation (we’re learning about that this week with Simon) and what God did on the seventh day. He rested. Yes, we should aim to be the Proverbs 31 woman, but not to the extent of burning ourselves out. Then what good are we to our families? God set an example of the importance of rest.

Now, I’m not a proponent of the whole “me time” in the sense of carving out time to just make yourself happy and serve yourself. I believe that goes against scripture; however, I think there is a time and place for rest and caring for ourselves- both spiritually, mentally, and physically.

Some practical ways that I am trying to care for myself during this phase of motherhood are:

• One day a week (Joel’s off day), Joel watches both kids in the morning and lets me have an hour or two to do some “me time.” I usually spend this time taking a COMPLETE shower. I actually wash my hair AND body AND shave. It’s pretty much a vacation. I usually try to put on a face mask before I hop in and a hair mask while I’m in the shower. It gives me a chance to give myself some extra care.
• On the weekends, my husband so graciously lets me sleep in however late I want. I usually sleep in with Esther and that’s until about 8 or 9. That one day a week to sleep in is one of the best things for this mama who loves sleep. It helps me to recharge myself.
• I’ve been making an extra effort to add a christian podcast or article, specifically on motherhood, to my days. Honestly, most of the time, it doesn’t happen. But when the kids nap (if I’m not napping, too) I like to clean and listen to them. I’ve found them to be very encouraging. Some of my favorite podcasts are As For Me and My House, Raising Arrows, The Thankful Homemaker, The Briefing with Albert Mohler, and Risen Motherhood.
• One thing that brings me peace and joy, as well as my son, is being outside. God’s creation has a way of just lifting my spirit. We try to spend at least two hours a day outside in the morning. Sometimes I just sit and drink coffee while Simon plays and Esther coos. Sometimes we go on a walk. Whatever we are doing, it is such a blessing to be able to spend time outside and admire creation.
• I have tried to choose a hobby to focus on when I have free time (hahahahahah). When Esther was first born, I remember crying and telling Joel I was scared I was going to lose myself and my only identity would be “mom” for the next 18 years. Again, I LOVE being a mom, but I don’t think its healthy for that to be the only thing that I do. I decided I wanted to pick back up on my blog. (Note, I started this post back in April. It’s now August. Sometimes, I just don’t have time for my hobbies, and that’s ok) I LOVE to write. I LOVE to share my thoughts with others. Blogging, even if no one reads my posts, makes me happy. It also causes me to dig into the Word to see if my thoughts align with God’s, so its helpful for me, spiritually, as well.
• The last thing is the hardest for me- GIVE. MYSELF. GRACE. Some days I don’t get out of my PJ’s until 3pm and that’s ok. Sometimes we order food because the kitchen is so dirty that there isn’t space to cook. That’s ok. Sometimes, my kids watch an entire hour of TV (GASP) and guess what? That’s ok, too. My “success” as a mother doesn’t make God love me any less or any more. I do the best I can each day to bring Him honor and glory while ministering to my family.

Reach Out to Others

I heard a podcast talking about how motherhood is the time when moms need moms the most. If you think about it, its true. This isn’t something moms should just want or hope for- its ESSENTIAL that moms find godly women to support them during this time. As a mom, my job is to pour into my children Christ’s love. This is prime time for the devil to try to interfere. Not only does he want to destroy families, but keeping me from sharing God’s love and truth with my children is something that he does NOT want happening. That’s why it is essential for mothers to find support, encouragement, and accountability with other moms.

Finding a moms group through your local church would be a great way to start. I was blessed enough to have a few friends who have children the same age as my kids who are also believers. We try to get together twice a month. It just gives us time to get our kids together, relax, and talk. We talk about our struggles, what our kids are doing, daily life, and tons of other things. It doesn’t have to be a prayer meeting or Bible study- just spend time with others. If that doesn’t work, use technology. My roommate from college has become one of my best friends because of our struggles in motherhood. We both had girls around the same time. We make it a point, each day, to text each other and check in on eachother. Usually, we text all day, but if things get busy, we at least text at night. We pray for one another, offer support, share stories, laugh and cry together. It has been such a blessing to have someone to go through this with- even if we’re miles apart!

I’ve also found GREAT encouragement from women who are believers with children older than mine. Surround yourself with women of all ages who are strong in their faith and who can encourage you!

Another thing that I think is incredibly important, but SO HARD for young moms to do is to reach out for help. Sometimes, no matter what you do, you’re not ok. Postpartum depression and anxiety are real and they’re scary. It’s ok to ask for help. Its ok to not be ok. I remember texting my sister-in-law quite frequently and telling her that I thought I was struggling with anxiety. Her quiet, gentle spirit was such a blessing to me, and she was so encouraging. She let me know that I wasn’t alone. And its true- you feel crazy, alone, and like you can’t get a handle on yourself, but its completely normal to struggle after baby. If you’re a mom reading this and you’ve already been through this- reach out to moms of infants. Although you may be through this phase, you can still comfort and encourage a mama who is in the thick of it!

Finally, ask for help. My mother and mother-in-law have been amazing. There have been a few times when I feel like I might fall apart at any moment. I swallow my pride, give them a call, and they’re there. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Even if you just need to drive around for an hour. Or sleep. Or shower. Or you just need someone to sit with you in the thick of the crazy- ask for help!

I’m sure this blog has been all over the place- it was written over the span of four months and sometimes (like right now) with a baby in my lap or a toddler screaming in the background. Just remember, the chaos won’t be there for long and one day we’ll look back and miss these crazy days.. but that doesn’t mean that you can’t do things to make the crazy a little more bearable! I hope and pray that some mom reads this and feels less alone and more normal. Less discouraged and more capable. Less stressed and more hopeful. If there’s any way that I can pray for you or minister to you, PLEASE let me know- I love encouraging others in any way I can.

Remember, your life may be chaotic and imperfect, but it is beautiful in God’s eyes. You’ve got this, mama!