My First Mother’s Day

*Warning: This will not be the most well written blog post ever, but you’ll just have to work with me. 

It has taken me three months to write this post. Three months of deciding to lay it all out there, and then changing my mind. This is a difficult blog for me to write, but I’m doing it for many reasons. One reason being myself. I need this. Another reason being that maybe it will be used to speak truth and be a blessing to someone else. If nothing else, to be an update for those of you who might be curious.

This will be my first Mother’s Day. (Wow, I’m already crying)

I know a lot of you would disagree with that statement, but I don’t really care what you think. On November 20, 2016 we found out we were expecting. It was actually a really funny situation. Back in October, we decided to stop preventing and let God decide when we would conceive. I, the most patient person in the world, bought a 24 pack of pregnancy tests from Amazon and took 4-5 tests every month. Yes, I know its obsessive, but I was excited.

On November 20th I took one for fun before we headed out to our friend’s house. I forgot about it. Joel went to use the bathroom and yelled to me “Hey, what color is this thing supposed to be!?”

“What color? What do you mean?” I yelled back… possibly rolling my eyes. “They’re ALL pink!”

“Oh… then what does two lines mean?”

“SHUT UP! Are you serious!? Shut up.” and I took off running.

The next hour or so was spent with me laughing and crying, Joel budgeting and running his hands through his hair… he doesn’t do well with surprises.

I immediately wanted to tell everyone I knew, but we decided to hod off. I knew exactly how I wanted to tell my mom. I had it planned for 4 years… no joke. She loves the wooden angel people, (I’m not sure what they’re called) so I planned on buying the pregnant one and giving it to her. I did just that 3 days later. She freaked.

Our first appointment was 4 weeks later. I was super nervous and Joel came along. I was going to take another test, get blood work drawn, and have my first ultrasound. The physician’s assistant prefaced the ultrasound with, “so before we begin, I want to give you a heads up that many people won’t see anything on the first ultrasound, so don’t panic if we don’t.” We didn’t.

I remember asking before we left, “so… am I actually pregnant?”

The nurse giggled. “Yes, honey, you’re pregnant.” And at that moment, I felt completely different.

Because of not seeing anything on the ultrasound, the doctor wanted to see me the next week. At our next appointment, I had another test, blood work, and ultrasound. This time, I was measuring 4 weeks. I was a bit confused because, according to my app, I should have been 6 weeks. The doctor explained that some women just ovulate late and that I shouldn’t be worried; however, since the risk of miscarriage this early on is so high, he wanted to see me weekly until he could get an accurate measurement.

So, that’s what we did. We went in weekly for more blood work, more tests, and more ultrasounds. I had an ultrasound each visit just so he could keep an eye on my baby. I can’t begin to explain how comforting it was to know how much our doctor cared.

Fast forward to December 20, 2016… exactly one month from our positive home test. I went in alone this time because I assured Joel nothing eventful would happen. There would be plenty more for him to go to. Looking back, I wish I wouldn’t have talked him out of going. Anyways, back to the story. On this visit, I got to see our little tot’s heart flicker. It was the most exciting thing I had ever seen. I think I’ll remember that moment for my entire life. Because our baby was still measuring 2 weeks behind, the doctor wanted to continue weekly visits.

Before I get to the next visit, let me take a pause in the story to explain how we were living life. We were very excited now that we were used to the idea. Every day, probably several times a day, I’d check my app that told me my baby’s progress. I would pray for every organ developing. I’d thank God for letting me be a parent to this baby. I prayed that this baby would one day come to Christ. I prayed for so many things. At this point in the pregnancy, all of our family and close friends knew. We were all very excited. I had also began cleaning out our junk room- go me!

Now back to the visits…

December 30th is a day I will never forget, no matter how hard I try. That morning, I was taking a shower to get ready to go to the doctor. I remember putting my hands on my belly to pray. I prayed for the organs developing, but I specifically remember praying this:

God, thank you for allowing me to be a mommy. I know this child is yours and not mine, but I’m thankful you saw me fit to take care of him or her. I pray that you help me to love this child, and I pray that no matter how long I get to have it, a day, month, year, or my whole life, that you would bless us and help us to trust in you.

As Joel and I pulled up to the offices, I remember telling him I had a bad feeling about this appointment, and he asked me if I had prayed about it. I assured him I did, but I continued praying the entire way up the stairs. As the doctor performed my ultrasound, I could tell something was wrong. He was pressing lots of buttons trying to zoom in and out and looking very intently at the screen. My heart was beating so hard I thought everyone in the room could hear it. Then he said the words that I will never forget.

“I’m so sorry.. but unfortunately, I just don’t see a heart beat.”

It felt like I stared at the screen in silence for 4 hours. I could see the doctor, nurse, and Joel talking, but I have no idea what they said. All I could hear was my heart beating louder than it ever had. No. That’s not right. Listen to how loud MY heart is beating. If mine is beating this loud, can’t the baby’s heart start beating? Can it have some of mine?

Then the doctor told us our options. Pass it or have surgery. We elected for the second. I told my boss I’d only need one day off. I was wrong, but she was very understanding. It took me three days to recover (emotionally) enough to be around my students. I cried on and off for 3 days straight. Joel held me like a baby until I cried myself to sleep most of the time. I still cry occasionally. That was our first pregnancy and our first baby. We’ll never have another first, and I think that makes me the most sad of all.

So much has happened since then that it wouldn’t be possible for me to write it all out, but I do want to take this opportunity to encourage and talk to those of you who are experiencing or have experienced a miscarriage. There are a few things I want you to know:

• God hasn’t forgotten you. God tells us in the bible that he has a plan for each and every one of us (Jeremiah 29:11) and its for our own good. From the moment I was born, when I graduated high school, the day I married Joel… through all of that, God knew that one day I would lose my baby. Nothing happens that he doesn’t know about or plan. It’s also important to remember that he has everything planned for our good. Even though losing a child doesn’t seem like its for our good, His ways are higher than ours. We have to trust that He knows what’s best. Honestly, without God’s peace and comfort, I don’t think I would have been able to cope with this miscarriage.
• It’s ok to be sad. One misconception people have about Christians is that you shouldn’t be sad. That’s ridiculous. It’s ok to be sad… sad things happen! However, even in my sadness, I can have joy that I have a Father who loves me and cares about me being sad. He keeps track of my sorrows and tears-and believe me, there are PLENTY! Think of all of the times David cried out to God, and He was always near to him.
• Give yourself some time. Tons of people told me this early on, but I shrugged it off; however, it’s one of the best pieces of advice I could give. Give yourself some time. Spend time with God grieving. No one expects you to lose a baby and be fine the next day. My problem was that since I was only 10 weeks along, I didn’t think I had the right to be sad for long. That’s a huge misconception I had prior to being pregnant. Whether you’re pregnant for 10 days or 10 weeks, losing your little tot is hard. Give yourself time to process, because it will take a while!
• Tell people how you feel. I’m not the world’s best communicator- especially with my husband. I like to keep my feelings to myself until they become too much, and then lose it. I must think its fun because I do it often. The best lesson we learned, and the thing that brought us closer together was talking. To this day, when a random wave of sadness hits me, I run to God in prayer and Joel in tears. Simply telling him “I’m feeling sad!” changed everything. I expected to know. He didn’t. He expected me to tell him. I didn’t. TALK. Tell others how you’re feeling and when you’re feeling it. And for you men, listen. Don’t try to fix it. Just listen.
• You were pregnant. Even if it was only 10 weeks, I was still pregnant. Many times, after the miscarriages take place, the idea of pregnancy seems almost like a dream. I wasn’t really pregnant, then, if I didn’t have a baby. It was only a few weeks, so it’s not like it was real. False. No matter what anyone says, you had a living, growing human inside of you. A tiny miracle. That’s a big deal. God states many times that He formed us and knew us when we were in our mothers’ wombs! No matter how far along you were, God knew your baby (Psalms 139:13 & Jeremiah 1:5) and he formed it.

We were blessed enough to have a doctor that is a strong believer. Two weeks after the surgery, he had me to come in just to talk. In many cases, miscarriages and fertility issues can ruin a marriage and cause depression. Joel and I made a commitment 3 years ago to keep Christ as the center of the marriage. Without Him, I can guarantee you this blog post would be 200% different.

If you or someone you know is experiencing similar problems, talk to someone. Talk to me, a friend, a pastor… talk to Choices  but talk to some one. Also, let me know how I can pray for you!

Prayers would be appreciated for us, too, as we continue life in general. We do hope to one day have a baby. But at this stage in my walk with Christ and in life, I’m realizing that it is all dependent upon His will and plan. Maybe I’ll be pregnant next month. Maybe next year. Maybe God will decide I am not going to become pregnant again, but no matter what, I will trust Him. His ways are better than mine.